come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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