I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
