I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
