Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
