Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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