wakey wakey hands off snakey
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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