Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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