JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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