I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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