i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
