I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
