i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
