i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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