she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
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All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
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I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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