i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just sucked dick on a ferry
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
