I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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