I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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