Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize