I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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