Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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