sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
