i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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