How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
