he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
