So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
