At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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