Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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