I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
