I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
