you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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