The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Randomize
