After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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