if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
