listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
