found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
