If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
