sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
