I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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