It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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