Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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