My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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