I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My balls are so social today.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
