I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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