new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
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so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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