I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
