Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
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