I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
