I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
