??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
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I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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