so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
