This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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