The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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