Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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