I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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