12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
