walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
