I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize